Assertiveness is the third Emotional Intelligence competency that we are going to explore. This competency belongs to the over-all theme of self-management. Assertiveness is one’s ability to express his/her emotions without being aggressive or submissive. Just like self-regard is the balance between over-confidence and inferiority complex, assertiveness is the balance between aggressiveness and reticence. Assertiveness consists of three components; expressing our emotions, expressing emotions even if we have a fear of losing something and doing all this in a non-destructive manner[1]. Assertive people stand firm for their own emotions, beliefs, thoughts and feelings while maintaining respect for the opinions of others as well. Assertiveness is often defined as the backbone as it has an extremely essential role in the structure of one’s personality. You might have seen people with a defective backbone and that they often have difficulties standing upright and firmly on their feet. It is the same function that assertiveness plays in our “emotional body” and helps us stand firm for what we believe in.
Courage and empathy play an important role in the process of building assertiveness. We need courage in order to stand up for our thoughts and emotions. But we, definitely, also need courage to make space for other people’s opinions, thoughts and emotions as well and acknowledge that they are as valid as our emotions. Empathy, that we will talk about in detail in future, is extremely crucial when we are trying to understand and respect point of views of someone else.
I have experienced often that when I introduce assertiveness to people, it is immediately confused with aggressiveness. It takes time to experience and feel the difference between, assertiveness, aggressiveness and submissiveness. When we have established a strong Emotional self-awareness, only then are we able to control our impulses and be assertive. Some of us have an impulsive reaction of being aggressive in difficult situations and some of us impulsively become submissive when we are exposed to any negative experience. Here is a realization that with-out a well-developed Emotional self-awareness, assertiveness will be hard to practice. When working with assertiveness, initially, I use most of my attention and energy to help participants on finding out; what is their natural impulsive reaction in a difficult situation? After that I try to help them to find out how they can move towards assertiveness from either of the extreme positions, so that they can find the balance. Take some moments to reflect: Where do you find your-self on the continuum of aggressiveness, assertiveness and submissiveness?
And if you need help to move towards the middle and acquire balance, you are welcome to contact me.
[1] Stein, Steven J. The EQ Edge (p. 105). Wiley. Kindle Edition