Author: Sadia Beg

The competency that we will explore now is “emotional independence”. Emotional independence is our ability to think and act without emotionally “clinging” to other people. Emotionally independent people are able to make their decisions independent of how other people might feel about their decision. The most important thing that they have in focus while deciding is the need of the situation. They have the ability to make a decision without worrying about personal gains and losses, for themselves or for others.  What would people say? Who will get angry and who will be happy? Who will get benefit? Will I achieve personal benefit or loss? All these questions are secondary when we choose to act in an emotionally independent way!

It should not be assumed that emotionally independent people do not care about others or their opinions. In a situation, where they have to make crucial decisions, they do consult all the important stakeholders involved in the situation. They seek advice to make informed decisions but do not get affected by the information that they receive, rather have the ability to relate to the information objectively. The final decision is according to their understanding of the situation and vision of the future not subjective preferences.

Emotional independence is closely related to assertiveness. If we define assertiveness as our backbone, emotional independence is our ability to stand on our two feet. We all have seen people who have trouble in their backbone, are often sitting in a wheel chair as they cannot stand without support, on their own feet. Exactly in the same way, if you have not developed assertiveness, it will be difficult to understand, adapt and practice emotional independence. I experienced that when I introduced emotional independence to people, a lot of them understood it as being rebellious. I could not really understand in the beginning why it was so but after reflecting upon this feedback, I found out that it is quite natural if we take our Asian culture into consideration. In any collectivist culture, taking independent decisions is not appreciated much. As soon as someone takes an independent decision, the person is labelled as rebellious. Even though, the decision is within the cultural and normative boundaries but may be slightly innovative, it is often not appreciated initially. This is the aspect that makes it difficult to practice emotional independence in collectivist cultures.

Lack of emotional independence lies at the bottom of a myriad of issues that we battle with in our daily lives. Just to mention one example, the ability to say “no” when its necessary is closely related to lack of emotional independence. Just like other emotional intelligence competencies that we have explored so far, emotional independence is a balanced state between group think and rebellion. The questions to ponder for you can be; How often do you say NO, when it is necessary? Do you feel that while making an important decision, you often end up in “analysis paralysis”? Think; what can be reasons behind this? Do you, consciously or unconsciously, try to please everyone? Is it important to you to gain acceptance from everyone?   You are most welcome to write to me if you have any questions or you are curious about knowing more!

Assertiveness is the third Emotional Intelligence competency that we are going to explore. This competency belongs to the over-all theme of self-management. Assertiveness is one’s ability to express his/her emotions without being aggressive or submissive. Just like self-regard is the balance between over-confidence and inferiority complex, assertiveness is the balance between aggressiveness and reticence. Assertiveness consists of three components; expressing our emotions, expressing emotions even if we have a fear of losing something and doing all this in a non-destructive manner[1]. Assertive people stand firm for their own emotions, beliefs, thoughts and feelings while maintaining respect for the opinions of others as well. Assertiveness is often defined as the backbone as it has an extremely essential role in the structure of one’s personality. You might have seen people with a defective backbone and that they often have difficulties standing upright and firmly on their feet. It is the same function that assertiveness plays in our “emotional body” and helps us stand firm for what we believe in.

Courage and empathy play an important role in the process of building assertiveness. We need courage in order to stand up for our thoughts and emotions. But we, definitely, also need courage to make space for other people’s opinions, thoughts and emotions as well and acknowledge that they are as valid as our emotions. Empathy, that we will talk about in detail in future, is extremely crucial when we are trying to understand and respect point of views of someone else.

I have experienced often that when I introduce assertiveness to people, it is immediately confused with aggressiveness. It takes time to experience and feel the difference between, assertiveness, aggressiveness and submissiveness. When we have established a strong Emotional self-awareness, only then are we able to control our impulses and be assertive. Some of us have an impulsive reaction of being aggressive in difficult situations and some of us impulsively become submissive when we are exposed to any negative experience. Here is a realization that with-out a well-developed Emotional self-awareness, assertiveness will be hard to practice. When working with assertiveness, initially, I use most of my attention and energy to help participants on finding out; what is their natural impulsive reaction in a difficult situation? After that I try to help them to find out how they can move towards assertiveness from either of the extreme positions, so that they can find the balance. Take some moments to reflect: Where do you find your-self on the continuum of aggressiveness, assertiveness and submissiveness?

And if you need help to move towards the middle and acquire balance, you are welcome to contact me.      

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[1] Stein, Steven J. The EQ Edge (p. 105). Wiley. Kindle Edition

Before I start to share with you my understanding of and experience with various emotional intelligence competencies, I would like to tell a little about why I chose “Reflect, learn and grow” as my mantra. The human brain learns through many different techniques and strategies. Some of them are natural learning processes and some are adapted by humans through evolution. The most natural way of learning is trial and error. We, humans, naturally tend to repeat the behaviours that lead to reward and refrain from behaviours that lead to some kind of punishment or failure. In my experience, the most effective way of learning is reflection and discussion. One learning technique is experiential learning where it is the first-hand experience created in a situation that generates the learning. But is it enough to just generate the learning? To me, the answer is: NO; it’s not enough to just create the learning. It is even more important that the learning sticks around, that it is transformed into habit, that it is durable. It is extremely important that the learning that is created does not end when the experience is gone but rather becomes a part of the habit system. So, what does it take to transform the learning into the habit? I read a piece of research that claimed that it takes 21 days to make a habit but even before going into the practice of a behaviour we need to do something else. After having a new experience, we discuss the experience, we reflect upon it. What did I just experience? How do I understand this situation? Is it a new information that is generated for me? Does it make sense? How does this fit in the information that I already have generated? That is when real learning takes place. So, for me the learning process looks like this:

It is not only the reflection about what happened and what did I learn but also about how can I apply this learning in my practical life. That is why this process of learning, discussion and reflection is an essential part of all my workshops and coaching sessions.

What is Emotional Intelligence and why is it extremely important for everyone?? That is a question of relevance for everyone who wants to excel in life and do a little bit more than “just live” through life! As Rumi said; “You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”

Research during the past few decades have consistently shown how EQ is more important than IQ! A higher level of EQ is the difference between people who do well in their lives and people who excel in all arenas of their lives. In my blogs on this website, I will provide insight into the different Emotional Intelligence competencies, my experience with helping people in developing these competencies along with my general observations & perspective about the relationship between Emotional Intelligence and our Society.

So, I will start by presenting the different definitions of EI that have developed through the past decades. The term Emotional Intelligence is defined in different perspectives. Reuven Bar-On defined EI in 1988 in the context of personality theory, more specifically a model of well-being. Bar-On defined EI as: “an array of non-cognitive capabilities, competencies, and skills that influence one’s ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.”

In 1990 John Mayer and Peter Salovey coined the term Emotional Intelligence as it is understood today. They formulated their version of EI within a model of intelligence. Their definition is: “the ability to perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional meanings, and to reflectively regulate emotions in ways that promote emotional and intellectual growth.”

Daniel Goleman was the first one to popularize the idea of Emotional Intelligence and, kind of, took it out of the clinical psychology realm and framed it in an organizational context. He defined, in 1998, EI in terms of performance and identified the development of EI competencies as a tool to maximize performance. Goleman defined EI as: “the ability to identify, assess and control one’s own emotions, the emotion of others and that of groups.”

So, basically one factor common in all these definition is the element of control. EI is our ability to control our emotions according to the needs of the situation so that our decisions are more controlled and well-thought rather than frantic and impulsive. Once we have developed EI competencies through conscious practice, our decision-making process becomes flawless and that is what make us excel as compared to those who do not have this practice!